The Words Left Wisely Unsaid
by AvalonCelticQueen
Summary: 'And so, let us eat, drink and wickedly plot to savagely murder Uther and Arthur Pendragon before burning Camelot...' A series of hopefully humorous one-shots of the scenes we never got to see, and those lines we were screaming at the characters to say
1. Chapter 1

**The Words Left (Wisely) Unsaid**

**_So, I thought I would try a bit of (attempted) comedy in this. A series of one shots of the scenes never shown in Merlin and lines we were all begging them to say. I hope you all enjoy!_  
**

**A Devilish Dinner  
**

Wind blew cold through the Great Hall's empty windows and Morgana felt herself shiver through her thin gown. Why they had to congregate at this desolate place, she'd never understand. Something her sister liked to call 'dramatic effect'. Morgana just hadn't realised before how freezing such effects could make one, something Morgause, chain mail clad again, casually forgot to mention. Still, patience and perseverance. She forced a smile as she looked up from huge table before her to see Morgause stood up in her seat, a wide grin on her face.

'My sister, my friends and fellow antagonists of Camelot,' she called clearly before looking down in afterthought. 'Oh, and Agravaine.'

Morgana looked across the table to see his smug face at the announcement. It took everything in her not to throw something at each person sat around her. Damn Morgause's pentagonal table! She'd been attempting to rival Arthur's destined Round Table, another of her 'dramatic effects'. The result? A badly made table with five unequal length sides with Morgause still, curiously, at the head of it.

'In our time, we have all had minimal success at bringing down Uther Pendragon and claiming Camelot as our own. But I am pleased to say that, with all of your co-operation, this will continue no further.' Morgause beamed, the sheer joy on her face raising a genuine smile from Morgana. After all, a happy Morgause meant a safe Morgana. 'And so, I have called this feast in the castle dear Cenred has so delightfully supplied for us.' She had the husky tones to her voice again, a slight pout on her lips. Morgana felt suddenly nauseous. 'And so, let us eat, drink and wickedly plot to savagely murder Uther and Arthur Pendragon before burning Camelot until it is nothing more than a pile of human ash upon the...'

Morgause suddenly yelped and looked down at the booted foot that had just kicked her shin. A boot that mysteriously hid under an emerald dress. She noted Morgana's guilt expression.

'You were rambling, sister. It was slightly off putting.'

'Fine.' The blonde woman clicked her fingers, summoning servants carrying plates of food toward the five seated at the table. She then sat down, arms folded moodily, as Morgana attempted to talk her round.

* * *

Lord Agravaine DuBois had no idea why he was at the table, other than his deep hatred of Uther that would cause him to turn traitor against his own nephew, of course. He had no idea who anyone else was, apart from Morgana who he had seen before in Camelot on his rare visits. But, most shockingly of all, Agravaine had never seen so much food as the amounts being carried towards him by tens of servants. And he'd seen a lot, considering his growing stomach. But there was chicken and swan and pork and goose and beef and what looked suspiciously like a brain on a plate. Considering Morgause's violent speech, and guessing her love of extreme acts of aggression, going by her chain mail, he thought he'd give that plate a miss. Of course, there was more: liver, pork, lamb joints, various jellies, plates of salad leaves, stew, soup, grapes, bread and wine, so much wine.

'Good God, will it not stop?' he felt himself muttering before he had chance to stop himself.

'Why? Ain't got the stomach for it?' The man next to him, a certain Helios, laughed, ripping a chunk of meat of a bone with his teeth as he did so. It was men like this that cemented Agravaine's view that he was an ultimately more cultured, sophisticated and intelligent human being. Helios continued to laugh. 'Next you'll be saying you don't pick up random strange women in villages and make them slave girls.' More laughter.

'At least I have a full head of hair,' Agravaine retorted, silencing Helios' laughter in seconds and causing him the bald man to stare at him in confusion for a few minutes.

'Was that really necessary?'

* * *

Cenred had been attempting to attract Morgause's attention for ten minutes now, mainly through staring at her with deep, brooding eyes, one of his many talents he believed. Yet still she sat angrily, her annoying sister having put her arms around her in a desperate attempt to cheer her. Well, if that's how she wanted to be, Cenred could easily enjoy the meal without her. He ruled a whole kingdom without her, after all. He didn't need her constant attention.

Besides, he was starving hungry and the food looked exquisite. Though, of course it would, his servants prepared it. All he needed was his cutlery now. Smirking at his own wit, he raised his arms, ready to pull them out of their criss-crossing sheaths across his back, from where he'd pull them in such a macho, handsome manner, he couldn't fail to attract Morgause's attention from her ridiculous sister.

'Hey, Morgause,' he called, smiling seductively as he prepared to whip out his cutlery. She looked up. And he realised his fatal flaw. His arms, clad in so much ridiculous leather, were stuck in the air above his head. 'Morgause, Morgause! I'm stuck, I can't move my arms. You've got to help.'

Now it was Morgause's turn to smirk. 'Didn't I say when I threatened you, you'd know about it?'

There were a few minutes silence as Cenred thought. 'Erm...no, no I don't think so.'

'Oh. Really?' Morgause's eyebrows crinkled in surprise at Cenred's response. 'I really didn't say that?' He shook his head, arms still fixed above his head. The blonde sighed. 'I must really focus on what I say better. This is just awkward now.'

* * *

'Excuse me, my Lady, would you like any water?'

Morgause stopped as she heard the servant's voice. She turned her head slowly, to see the servant stood over Morgana, water jug in hand, and Morgana's ashen expression.

'Any water?' the servant repeated and Morgana's eyes began to widen.

'No water. No water.' Her pale hand was at her neck and her breath was quickening, as though her throat were closing and her airway was blocked. Her peridot orbs were wide with tears threatening to spill from their sides.

'She always does this.' Morgause leapt from her wooden seat, throwing the servant to the ground, and kneeling besides Morgana's chair, whispering softly as the raven haired witch continued to pant helplessly. 'It's OK, Morgana, she's not Merlin. The water isn't poisoned. You're safe here. You're with me. I wouldn't let anyone poison you. Nobody's trying to poison you. You can drink water. It's not all deadly...'

Yet still she continued to fight for breath. Across from her, Helios and Agravaine were exchanging insults quicker than two bickering children, getting worse as their quantities of wine increased. Cenred was still struggling against his leather, arms still caught in mid-air with occasional shouts of Morgause's name in desperation. Morgana was staring at the water before her, her breath almost short enough to force her into a faint.

Morgause just sighed at the catastrophic villainous feast before her eyes. Never again.

_**Next up, Merlin has a shocking revelation for Morgause**_


	2. Chapter 2

**_So, at request I have power-written (is that a real thing?) this chapter to hopefully provide some light relief to you all.  
_**

**_This is set during 'The Tears of Uther Pendragon: Part 1'. Enjoy!_  
**

**A Startling Revelation **

She was triumphant, something she didn't seem to be able to say very often, despite her genius plans. At her feet, the boy knelt, chained tightly, clearly struggling but it would do him no good. Around them, leaves rustled in the trees, as if just to remind him that no help was coming for him. Well, unless he was some sort of Dragon Lord, and that was highly unlikely, he was a puny thing, no dragon would listen to him when they could squash him and use him as a toothpick instead.

But there were still questions to ask.

'Why does a lowly servant continuously risk his life for Arthur and for Camelot?' Morgause stared hard at the young boy as he sat silent. 'You know the answer, but you won't tell me. Why?'

Merlin remained silent. He couldn't spill his secret, not to her. Anyone but her...Ok, slight lie, he wasn't all that excited at the thought of spilling his secret to Uther Pendragon, either.

'You can take your secret to your grave then.' She shrugged, beginning to mutter under her breath, preparing his death.

'Wait!' Merlin shouted, he couldn't die alone, not in that forest at Morgause's hand. Not only would it completely ruin his destiny, Gaius had promised his favourite broth for dinner.

She stopped and smirked. 'So, why do you risk your life for Arthur, then? Reward? Duty? Some form of creepy loyalty you're going to assume I can't understand? As I've said before, just because I'm planning the overthrow of the monarchy and preparing pikes to put all your heads on when I've done, does not mean I'm a bad person...'

Her ridiculous monologue was too much. It came out of his mouth before he had chance to stop it. 'Arthur's secretly my gay lover!'

Morgause continued to smirk before suddenly realising what Merlin had just said. She looked at him, head tilted like a confused puppy. Except that puppies weren't menacing, at all. So she straightened her head again quickly, narrowing her eyes menacingly instead, hoping she looked a bit scarier, she had a reputation to keep. She stared at Merlin. 'What?'

'Arthur and I are madly in love with each other. We can't be together under Uther's rule, so he pretends to be interested in all these other women. But, one day, he will take the throne and make me his Queen and we can rule forever and be happy...'

'That's it?' Morgause asked, visibly disappointed. 'So you mean you haven't got magic and are secretly an old man named Emrys, consistently meddling in my plans to destroy Camelot, the light to Morgana's darkness, her destiny and her doom?'

'Erm...no.'

'Well, that's dull.' Morgause sighed, disheartened. She muttered under her breath again, eyes flashing gold, and Merlin's chains fell from his body. 'Might as well let you go, then. You really are a disappointment though, Merlin, I was expecting something rather exciting from you. I've got one condition for you, though: let's avoid poisoning Morgana again, though, shall we? It was a lot of hassle and it really upset her, you know? Never mind how long it's taking me to persuade her to drink water again, she's lived a year on wine and I'm getting worried for the state of her liver.'

'Fair deal.' Merlin reached out a shaking hand and shook the armour covered one held out to him.

'And if you ever need anywhere to go, just the two of you,' Morgause whispered. 'There's a delightful inn just out of Camelot, they don't ask questions and they have delightfully free mini bottles of shampoo, if you get me?'

'Of course.' Merlin grinned his cheesy grin and was about to begin his walk back to Camelot, before he turned around with a cheery wave. 'Thanks again.'

He couldn't keep the smile off his face for the whole journey home, even when a gang of ferocious bandits tried to attack him and eat him as a nutritious snack (he was too skinny to be lunch, they decided). But all Merlin could think of was Morgause. He had just never known that evil sorceresses, who were plotting to burn down the whole of Camelot and brutally murder King Uther, were so...understanding.

_**So the question is: Who has Morgause been going on secret inn visits with? (Though as a warning, I have no intention of answering this question!)**_  
**_ I hope you enjoyed!  
_**

**_Next up, Gwen has a romantic date...  
_**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Is it just me who thought Arthur and Gwen's date in 'Queen of Hearts' went all too smoothly (well, besides the wicked Morgana scheme behind it, of course)? Oh, it was just me? Fair enough, you won't enjoy this chapter then..._**

**Arthur, Crown Prince of Romance  
**

The sun beat down on the Crown Prince of Camelot as he sat in the clearing underneath two old oak trees. He had to say, this was a genius idea of his that Morgana had suggested (obviously after he thought of it first). He wondered what made her suggest it. After all, what right minded woman would tell such a handsome, chivalrous, modest guy, such as himself, to take another girl on a date? Then again, Morgana laughed at Uther's jokes, she clearly wasn't sane. Not to mention all her ill-timed smirking. But what was he thinking of her for? Today was his day. Well, suppose he ought to count his date, whenever clotpole Merlin decided to show up with her, anyway.

A sudden cough. He looked up from the dish in which he'd been staring; he was perfect as always, to see Gwen on the other side of the stream with Merlin. Arthur felt his eyes physically drop out of his head. She was ravishing. Almost as ravishing as him when he took his shirt off, which was often considering how notoriously cold castles were, but still she was beautiful. Pastel coloured dress, a shade of colour Arthur didn't even know existed, and daintily coloured shoes. And now she was approaching, crossing the stepping stones just as a romantic heroine in a fairytale coming for her hero...

SPLASH!

She wasn't there any longer. Arthur frowned as he watched Gwen, in her ridiculously silk slippers, slide straight off one of the stepping stones and fall into the stream. He smiled, at last, a colour he recognised! Gwen's funny, pale dress was now a murky brown colour, possible his favourite colour after Camelot red, and dripping wet with the dirty water. Across her face, loose, wet strands of hair fell and a deep crimson blush was spreading across her cheeks.

'Arthur!' A muffled cough from Merlin as Arthur stood there, smiling like a...well, a dollop head. He motioned with his head to tell the Prince to help Gwen as she sat in the stream. 'Does someone need the help of a chivalrous, noble Prince, Arthur?'

'Hmm...I'm all those things...Oh, do you mean me?' Arthur straightened his face and approached Gwen, hand extended. 'May I help you up, Guinevere?'

'Oh, of course.' Gwen blushed, taking Arthur's hand. As he took her weight, his eyes widened.

'Good Lord, Gwen, you been stealing Morgana's food when she wasn't looking?' Arthur exclaimed, pulling Gwen up slowly, the strain clear on his face. 'Are we feeding you servants too much? But Merlin's a skinny rat!'

Merlin sighed, putting his head in his hands despairingly as he heard the Prince's remark.

'Are you calling me fat, Arthur?' Gwen asked in shock, removing her hand from Arthur's quickly. After a few moments of silence, she shrugged meekly. 'Morgana doesn't eat a lot, and the food's so good...' She seemed suddenly to realise what she was saying. 'Wait! You still can't call me fat!'

'I'm Prince, I can call you what I want.' A swift kick to the shin from Merlin, who had crossed the stream just behind Gwen. Arthur frowned. 'But I was out of order saying that to you, Gwen. Please accept my apologies.'

'Thank you, Arthur.'

Merlin gave a sigh of relief as the two sat down to their date. Maybe it would get better? After all, how could it get any worse?

* * *

Gwen hadn't realised how deep a person Arthur really was before the date. Of course he was loyal, noble, brave, kind, handsome...oh, so handsome. As she looked to see him staring at her, she realised she must have been drooling. Damn! He probably thought she was some form of obsessive, drooling form of dog now. And she was obsessive, and did drool over him a lot. But no way was she a dog!

Anyway, where was she before she went into her freakily obsessive Arthur daydream? Ah yes, his surprisingly deep nature. Well, as perfect as he was to her, she'd never suspected that behind his gorgeous face, he housed secret dreams. But his talk of farms and escaping Camelot had grabbed her, she was fully entranced.

'I think that sounds beautiful, Arthur.' She smiled, hopefully attractively and not in the way that could make her look like a human-pig hybrid. 'Where would we go, though?'

'Hang on! Where would 'we' go?' Arthur's smile had gone and, instead, a look of wild panic was on his face, the look of a man suddenly confronted with the threat of commitment. When he spoke, his voice had risen a whole key. 'Gwen, we haven't even got to first base yet. This is our first date. We haven't held hands or kissed or cuddled or anything. Why would you assume you were coming with me?'

'Well, I don't know, the way you were talking...'

'This is mine and Merlin's dream, Gwen. We're going to have a bachelor farm and drink loads of ale and make mess and walk around nude, just like every man's dream. You couldn't do that! You're a woman! You'll have to join Morgana and her spinster farm, as no-one will marry her! And you can knit and clean and garden, because you're women!' Arthur was now a cross of anger and panic, and so looked like a crazy, blubbering mess. And he couldn't even see Merlin to insult and raise his spirits like usual.

'I'm sorry, Arthur.' Gwen sat there staring at the crazy Prince before her. 'I didn't mean to...'

'Wait, there's a fly behind you.' Arthur motioned for her to stop, before reaching behind him to grab something to kill the fly with. And...

WHACK

* * *

When Morgana brought Uther to the date, in her evil plan to stop Arthur's secret romance, she was not prepared for the sight that met her. She'd been expecting to catch them in a romantic clinch, in fact she hadn't eaten all day just in case, so she wouldn't vomit when she saw them. But what she saw instead was just shocking! Gwen was lying unconscious on the ground, a smashed plate besides her from where Arthur had aimed for, and clearly missed, the fly. And Arthur was sitting by an old tree, rocking back and forth, crying, while Merlin comforted him.

Well, not as she had planned, but her throne was safe from Gwen for a while, she thought.

**_I think this date may have completely ruined the episode plot, but this is still how I'd have written it_**

**_I hope you enjoyed :)  
_**

**_Next up, Agravaine has someting he needs to get off his chest...  
_**


	4. Chapter 4

_**While watching this, these were the exact words I wanted Agravaine to say. In fact, I think I yelled them out in a spur of the moment, scene interrupting way (annoying everyone in the process). Set in Series 4, The Sword in the Stone: Part 1  
**_

_**Enjoy!  
**_

_**The Angst of Agravaine**_

An evil smirk passed over her usually sullen face, which in turn changed to a beaming smile, showing teeth and all. Which, in turn, changed to a full on rendition of the Macarena around her room. Morgana was happy. Incredibly happy. For she was Queen of Camelot once again, a position she'd almost given up on having again. She'd almost resigned herself to living forever in a hovel and becoming some sort of hermit. Or a nun. She wore enough black to become a nun, Morgana supposed. And she might have suited a habit. Though how she'd have survived without the crazy hair and make-up, she didn't quite know. Not to mention her cleavage enhancing dress, which was a lucky find considering how many men she'd had to work with. But none of that mattered anymore. For she was Queen, her rightful position. Mainly because she was so bossy. But she supposed bloodline came into it somewhere, too.

But now she had a big decision: What to do first? Should she do some bed bouncing, namely on her idiot brother's bed, like she did last time she was here with Morgause? It was awfully fun, even if she had ended up almost catapulting Morgause out of the window. Hmm...Though she supposed she would have to bed bounce with Agravaine this time and, going by the size of his stomach, she would be the one catapulted out of the window. And then all her evil plotting, not to mention the year of living in an unsanitary hovel, would be to waste. No. There would be no jumping on beds with Agravaine, whether it was Arthur's or not. So what would she do? Hold a feast? That was what usually happened with important events. And she supposed the overthrow of the monarchy was rather important. But...

She looked over at the bed by the wall. With its plumped pillows, and thick duvet, stuffed with snugly warm goose feathers. Maybe just a hot bath and bed? Did that make her old? Morgana felt a sudden urge to run to a mirror and check for wrinkles, or grey hairs, or to make sure her dress hadn't suddenly turned into a tweed suit. What was she on about? Tweed wasn't even a real thing! No, overthrowing the monarchy was tiring work, she deserved a nap. As for the bath, did no-one think how cold rivers were for bathing in? Not to mention that awkward time Agravaine had turned up too early for their meeting and thought his horse needed a refreshing drink. It still made her shiver to think about it. Relaxing bath it was. Nothing would distract her.

But what was that? A stack of parchment caught her attention, mainly from the huge amount of red ink scrawled across the front.

**_Secret Diary of Arthur Pendragon_**

**_Keep out, Merlin!_**

She smirked once again. This would be an interesting read.

* * *

When Agravaine approached her wooden door later that evening, he was met with the sound of harsh cackling. He quickly spat on his hands, using them to smooth back his 'luscious locks', as he liked to call it (his hair, that was), and entered without knocking. He found the ebony haired woman engrossed in an official looking piece of document. Maybe a new law for Camelot? She really was an efficient diplomat, he smiled admiringly.

'Ha, I knew Arthur was scared of ducks, really,' Morgana muttered, clearly amused, before realising the foreign presence in the room. She looked up, a straight look on her face, a tall feat considering what she was holding in her hands, and asked, 'What do you want, Agravaine?'

'Oh, my Lady.' He breathed, hopefully seductively, bending down to kiss her pale hand.

'It's 'Your Majesty' now, Agravaine.' She pulled her hand back quickly. He was rather creepy. But it seemed all her associates were, Morgause and her face stroking, Mordred randomly turning up in her room while she slept. Bet Arthur didn't have problems like these, she thought. But he did have to put up with Merlin, so maybe it equalled out. 'I'll let you off this time, Agravaine. What did you want, anyway?'

'It's about your decision to send me after Arthur, my Lady...'

So, he had ignored her last comment then. Morgana sighed; she knew the speech that was about to follow, 'he was her only ally, blah, blah etc.'. She turned her attention back to the diary in her hands; she had left it in a really juicy part, after all. While reading, she motioned for Agravaine to continue speaking.

'My Lady, I am your only ally, your only true friend. There is danger at every turn, enemies are waiting everywhere for you. They might want to decapitate you or hang you or burn you, you do have magic after all, or they might choose to...'

An uncomfortable cough from the dark haired queen. 'As much as I love hearing the details of my own death, Agravaine, where is this going?'

He nodded, flustered, as he always was around her. 'Of course. My Lady, I am your only ally, I want to stay in Camelot to protect you. I am your one true friend and I think you will be the greatest ruler Camelot has ever known.' Morgana nodded in agreement, still paying minimal attention. Agravaine's speech was getting quicker. 'And I think you are wise and beautiful and very skilled and you really suit black and your make-up is excellent and I love you. I want you to be my wife and the mother of my children! And I just don't want any harm to come to you while I'm gone because I want you safe, with me at your side.'

Agravaine was panting heavily after his outburst, searching for reaction in Morgana's face. With a wave of her hand, she nodded absent-mindedly.

'Of course, Agravaine, just kill Arthur and you can be by my side forever.'

She had never been so terrified as she was by the next events. Agravaine's eyes filled with tears and he bent down again, kissing her hand more passionately than he ever had before.

'Do you mean this, my Lady?'

She frowned, what had she just agreed to? 'Of course...'

A beam burst across his face and he clasped his hands joyfully. 'Don't you worry, I will not fail you!'

And he skipped from the room.

She watched him go with an eyebrow raised so high she was beginning to feel like Gaius. What had she just said to him to get that reaction? Morgana tried to remember the conversation; she really should start listening closer to important conversations. Like that time Morgause wanted the Cup of Life and Morgana had brought her a puppy. Stop. A snippet of memory just passed through her mind. Was that it? Flashes of speech were hitting her hard now. Oh no, she hadn't just said that, surely?

'You! Big, funny looking nose guy!' She summoned the guard from the door into the room. 'Did you hear the conversation just now? Can you recite it to me?'

'Well, it started with him saying 'My Lady'...' The guard smiled, as one did who had incredibly limited brainpower. Well, why else would one become a guard? All that happened to them was death or severe embarrassment when they were outwitted. Which was often in Camelot. 'Then he kissed your hand.'

'No, the important parts! I don't need the whole thing!' Morgana threw her hands up in what she hoped was an exasperated air. In reality, she just looked like she was rather a few Knights short of a Round Table.

'Well, he said he loved you and wanted you to be his wife as well as mother to his children...'

'And what did I reply?'

The guard hesitated now. He wasn't bright, but he knew bad news when he heard it. 'You said 'of course' and that he could be by your side forever if he killed Arthur...'

From the courtyard, their conversation was interrupted by a sudden noise. All the blood drained from Morgana's face, giving her the appearance of a mime with the clash with her hair, as she listened to Agravaine's voice through the window.

'Morgana and Agravaine sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G...'

Oh damn!

* * *

_**Thank you for all reviews so far, I hope I'm keeping you all amused. Your reviews certainly lift my mood, they are much appreciated :)**_

_**Next up, Arthur and Merlin go hunting for Camelot's secret traitor...  
**_


	5. Chapter 5

**_OK, I'm back, guys :) This is set some time in Series 3, I am aware it's not completely accurate so I'm asking you to pretend_  
_ a) Merlin does not know who the traitor is and b) that Gwaine is a Knight  
_**

**_Enjoy!  
_**

**The Adventure of Arthur Holmes and Merlin Watson**

'Merlin?'

'Yes, Arthur.'

'I'm worried.'

Merlin turned from where he had been folding Arthur's trousers...honestly, why couldn't Arthur do it? It was only putting some material together to ensure it was symmetrical and didn't crease. Even Gwaine, in a drunken stupor, could manage a bit of folding. Still, as Merlin turned his head, he saw Arthur sat rigidly on the bed, dressed only in his shirt and bed garments with, what Arthur referred to as his 'thinking face' on. Everyone else fondly referred to it as 'Arthur's clotpole face No. 48'.

Merlin sighed, the Prince was honestly hopeless. It's lucky he had such an organised, patient and caring servant, really. He certainly deserved a pay rise. Or, at least, more praise. Maybe coupled with money...

'Arthur, you have training to get to, why aren't you dressed?'

'I can't train in my current state...'

'I know, you're in your underpants.'

'Not that, Merlin.' Arthur scowled; he really did have a ridiculous servant. 'I'm too worried to fight. There is a traitor in Camelot and, while they remain, I am not safe.'

'Really, Arthur? Why does everything have to focus on you? Just because there's a traitor in Camelot, it does not mean they will try to kill you.'

Another scowl. 'Ok, Merlin, if you're so clever, who else would they try kill? My father's so old he's probably just going to drop off in his cornflakes one of these days. And Morgana isn't even royal; in fact, you could probably be a better Royal Ward than she is. So, who's left?'

'Gaius?'

A clay pot went sailing past Merlin's head, dangerously close to his ear. Which was surprising, considering how abnormally large Merlin's ears were, one would assume Arthur could hit one of them.

'Merlin, this is serious! How can I continue my daily life around Camelot with a traitor in the walls? How will I know, when I go down for my breakfast, that someone hasn't slipped poison in the water?' Merlin blushed slightly at the last question, Arthur frowned. Maybe Merlin had some sort of phobia to water? Likely, considering how he smelt some days. 'Or when I train with the Knights, how will I know that one of them doesn't really want to kill me? Or when...?'

'Ok, Arthur, I get it. We need to track down the traitor.' Merlin interrupted, shaking his head slowly. Honestly, if the people of Camelot saw this side to their Prince, he so wouldn't get as many girls as he did. Maybe he'd get the funny, cat ones instead, and Merlin would get the normal ones...? That idea was appealing to the servant. 'Where do we start?'

'Well, I've spoken to the guards and they all say they've noticed flashes of red out in the night.'

'Like a red cloak?' Merlin asked, slightly confused. 'You mean to say that someone has been sneaking in and out of Camelot, thinking they're invisible, in a vibrant, red cloak? That's hardly clever.'

'Like you can talk about clever, Merlin.'

'So, we're looking for someone who wears a bright red cloak and hasn't got enough brains to fill a thimble?' Merlin asked, his forehead crinkled in deep thought. 'And you're sure it's not you?' Another pot was launched at his head. 'Fine. I know exactly where to go.'

* * *

'Sorry, guys, but it definitely isn't me.' Gwaine shrugged as he took a swig of ale from the dirty tankard on the tavern table before him.

'You're kidding?' Merlin asked. 'But you fit exactly: no brains and a red Knight's cloak.'

'I'll try not to take offence there, Big Ears.'

Arthur shook his head, he thought these two would have got on better, considering how often they both seemed to spend in the tavern together. It just showed his superiority really, to interrupt the two bickering children.

'What my dollop-head servant means, Gwaine, is that you seem to be intoxicated...'

'Drunk, hammered, off your trolley, completely wrecked.'

'Thanks there, Merlin.' Arthur rolled his eyes, imagining even that one action showed more intelligence than Merlin had in his whole body. 'Back to my point...'

'You're so drunk all the time, how would you know if you hadn't accidentally allied yourself with a sorceress?' Merlin finished, Arthur just took too long to ask these things. Probably preparing himself for the ridiculous, diplomatic speeches he would have to give when he was King. Unlucky really. Hang on...didn't Merlin have to write them? Oh, damn.

Gwaine laughed, interrupting Merlin's train of thought. 'I'm not that stupid. The worst I do when drunk is collapse in cow fields. Or that time I did the conga with a legion of trolls. Besides, I was going to come find you both; I've got a clue to help find who the traitor really is.'

And, out of his tatty bag in the floor, he pulled out a silver hairbrush. Incongruous, really, to the messy tavern. And Gwaine had to pull it quickly off the table as two men went sprawling over the wooden surface. Oh no...Two women went sprawling, minor mistake there, Merlin thought as he watched them with wide eyes. Arthur, however, was focused on the brush, it was awfully shiny. He wanted to pick it up and stroke it. Beautiful shiny hairbrush...

'There's an inscription on the back.' Gwaine turned it over and read aloud.

'Lots of love, kisses and snuggles, Morgause. Kiss, kiss, kiss.'

'And it definitely isn't yours?' Merlin hedged.

'Does it really look like I 'snuggle'? Or brush my hair, for that matter?'

'Fine.' Arthur grabbed the hairbrush, and then shoved it into Merlin's hands. 'It's too girly for me, carry it, Merlin, you match it better.' Merlin scowled, yet Arthur carried on regardless. 'So, we're looking for someone who wears a lot of red, isn't bright and would have need for a hairbrush.'

'And likes to snuggle.' Merlin nodded eagerly, pointing at the inscription on the silver object.

'And likes to snuggle.' Arthur repeated, smiling. This was almost too easy...

* * *

'I'm no traitor!' Gaius sputtered as he sat at his table over what looked like the rotting insides of a frog, what smelt like a dying skunk, but was actually just his morning oatmeal. He was not known to be one of the best cooks in Camelot, probably why they let him sit and read so much, keep him away from the kitchens...

'It has to be you, Gaius, there is no other explanation.' Arthur shook his head. 'You wear a lot of red dresses...'

'Robes, Sire.'

'Red dresses that could be mistaken for red cloaks, you have long hair that would require use of a hairbrush and you aren't that clever.'

'My Lord, I am your court physician. That requires a lot of thinking.' Both the physician's eyebrows were raised in protest. Merlin was shocked, he didn't think he'd ever seen that before.

'You can't think that much, Gaius, you've done some pretty stupid things,' Arthur said.

'Yeah, like being taken over by a goblin, or every time you tell Arthur I'm in the tavern when I'm...'

Merlin suddenly stopped short. Arthur frowned, turning away from the physician to his servant. Even Merlin wasn't stupid enough to forget how to speak in the middle of a sentence, which meant he had a big secret...

'When you're what, Merlin?' Arthur asked, attempting to imitate his father's kingly voice. 'Where are you?'

'Circus.'

'Brothel.'

Arthur stopped short. Gaius and Merlin, who had both spoken at the same time, turned and looked at each other.

'You're at a circus brothel?' Arthur raised his eyebrows, causing him to develop a sudden likeness to the ancient physician opposite him. Then, he shrugged. 'Sounds reasonable. Anyway, Gaius, where were we? Ah yes, I remember. Are you the traitor?'

'I can't be the traitor, Sire.' Gaius stammered. 'For I have evidence that would suggest otherwise.'

And, out of the pocket of his robe (or dress, whichever sounds more realistic) he pulled a golden bracelet. Set in the middle was a large ruby, as red as Uther's face after one too many pints, and glinting more brightly than the floors after Merlin had been forced to scrub them for days (which wasn't often, considering all the assassinations he had to stop).

'I found the bracelet lying on the courtyard just outside the castle and, I'm afraid to say, it is magic. I fear for each and every one of us.'

'You so owe me a gold coin now, Arthur.' Merlin held out his hand, looking smug. 'I told you Gaius wasn't the traitor and, in fact, would hold a key, magical clue into working out who the traitor actually was.'

'Really?' Gaius asked, his eyes full of proud tears.

'No, I actually bet you'd say 'I fear for each and every one of us', but the other thing too.'

Arthur scowled, snatching the bracelet from Gaius' hand in pure annoyance. Stupid, clotpole Merlin! Still, retain Princely dignity at all times, that was what his father taught him. As well as how to almost get killed by everyone.

'Ok, so our clues now are a hairbrush, jewellery and the red cloak. So we're looking for someone stupid enough to wear vibrant red when sneaking out of a heavily guarded castle, someone vain who likes to snuggle, and someone rich enough to, not only wear gold jewellery, but afford to lose it,' Arthur listed. 'But, who could it be?'

'I know, Arthur.' Merlin swallowed nervously. 'But, you won't like it.'

* * *

'How can you even ask that, Arthur?' Uther sat in his throne, a look on his face that seemed to say 'I am perfectly furious but will pretend to be amused to lull you into a false sense of security before I rip off your head.' Uther's normal face then really. 'I am the King of Camelot, how can I possibly be the traitor?'

'Everything fits, Sire.' Arthur shifted uncomfortably as he spoke. 'You own a red cloak, you're rather vain, and you do wear jewellery.'

'But I have no hair to brush,' Uther replied quietly. 'And if I was going to wear a bracelet, I'd choose something a bit manlier than that.'

Merlin had to stop himself bursting into laughter. Arthur continued to speak, this time a lot more strained. 'And you did marry a troll. That would explain the 'lack of brains' bit.'

'Not to mention the amount of times people manage to sneak into the castle right under your nose.'

Arthur gave Merlin a sharp slap to the arm. Ok, more like a sharp punch. Followed by numerous punches.

'Arthur!' Uther stood up angrily in his chair. 'We must end this ridiculous talk this instant. I am the King of Camelot, there is no way I am the traitor. For starters, if I suddenly lost my mind...' A little giggle from Merlin. 'If I suddenly lost my mind and decided to ally with a sorcerer, II could do it freely. Secondly, I have evidence pointing towards the real traitor.'

And from his side he pulled an ancient, leather bound book, peeling gold writing on the front. Merlin grabbed it to read before another swift punch left Arthur to take the object.

'Don't be ridiculous, Merlin, we all know you can't read.' Arthur held the book before him and read out the title, 'How to Kill the King and Begin a Ruthless, Murderous Reign in Five Easy Steps.'

'That's a real book?' Merlin's mouth had dropped open so far he was beginning to feel like a cave.

'Yes, unfortunately.' Uther sighed. 'And in Camelot's library for some peculiar reason, alongside 'Killing the King for Dummies' and 'The Foolproof Plan for Poisoning Princes'. I found the book lying around the castle, as though someone had dropped it in a hurry.'

Arthur and Merlin stood in silence for a few seconds, both of their mouths open in a cavelike fashion.

'Well, seeing as half of Camelot can't read, we're left with so few suspects now there is no point in counting them.'

Merlin suddenly stopped counting on his fingers and looked up innocently. Arthur rolled his eyes once more and turned back to his father.

'And of those, you need some who wears red, has long enough hair to require use of a brush, wears ridiculously extravagant jewellery and could probably do with a few more brain cells,' Uther said as he sat back down in his throne.

'Then we are left with only one person.' Arthur swallowed nervously as his servant began nibbling his fingernails anxiously.

* * *

Morgana was sat snuggled under her duvet, a pile of ancient spell books beside her, her arm out as she practised another one of Morgause's spells. Why she'd need to know how to make squirrels magically appear, she'd never know, but Morgause thought it was a key skill. Yet, just as she uttered the ancient words, she heard a sudden clattering heading towards her chamber. She sat up straighter, eyes wide. What could she do? There was only one thing for it. She pulled her red cape off the floor and threw it over the books with a relieved sigh. After all, red made everything invisible.

Her chamber door burst open, revealing Merlin and Arthur stood there in, what they hoped, was a manly manner.

'We're looking for the traitor. We know who it is,' Arthur announced. 'All they need do is confess.'

A moment's silence. Then Morgana leapt out of bed in a blind panic.

'I confess. I surrender. I'm so sorry. Don't kill me, I'm too young and attractive, just look at my excellent hair and flawless skin. I'm too brilliant to die!' Morgana was practically screaming now. Honestly, where was Morgause when she needed her? Would conjuring a squirrel help her now? What if it was a murderous squirrel? Morgana wondered if that was even possible...

'Morgana, what are you doing?' Arthur asked, a look of pure confusion on his face. 'You aren't the traitor. Don't be such a clotpole!'

Morgana frowned. 'Am I not?'

'Erm...clearly not. We all know who the real traitor is,' Arthur said as he stepped into the room. 'Now, where's the traitor Guinevere?'

Morgana's eyes widened again, this time in relief. She pointed through to the next room. 'Just through there.'

'Thanks.' Merlin and Arthur headed through Morgana's chambers. Merlin stopped suddenly and turned round. 'By the way, Morgana, I'm loving the vivid red cloak. You'd have to be stupid to hide anything under that though. Oh, and did you know there's a nest of squirrels under your bed?'

**_Next up, Arthur has to decide on a quest..._**


	6. Chapter 6

_**It feels like it's been ages since I've updated this. In reality, it's probably been 2 weeks max? Least you all know I'm never going to abadon this :) (whether that's good or not, you decide)**_

_**Set during Series 3 Episode 8**_

**A Curious Quest**

'Arthur, I cannot allow this to happen.'

'But, father, this was the quest that came to me. This is my destiny.'

King Uther Pendragon sighed as he sat upon his throne, his son would never learn. Being a King was more than putting oneself in danger; it was about knowing one's limits also. Not just risking one's life, but ensuring that, when placed at risk, it is not done so unnecessarily. When he had told Arthur about the quest, he had expected Arthur to decide upon something simple, just as Uther had as a boy; to take over Camelot and launch a lifetime crusade against magic. A simple, straightforward quest. But the quest his son proposed sent a chill to his spine.

'Arthur, there will be danger at every turn. You will be able to trust no-one.'

'I do not care, father. This is the challenge that will truly show me to be worthy of the crown of Camelot. It is through this quest, and this quest alone, that I shall finally gain the true respect of the citizens of Camelot,' Arthur stated. He knew this quest was ridiculous, outrageous even, and the danger he would be putting himself in was enormous. But, this was his quest. And the glory that would come of it would be worth any torment he would suffer first.

'Arthur, I simply cannot allow you. You might be the Crown Prince of Camelot, but you are also my son. And I could not sleep easily at night knowing I had let my son go blindly into such danger.' Uther shook his head. 'I must forbid you.'

'But, father,' Arthur said, exasperated. 'Think of what Camelot could gain through this. This could be my only chance of ever achieving anything as close to your fearless reputation. Think of the prize, the respect, the beautiful princesses who would be falling at my feet...I mean, the alliances that would be offered.'

'Arthur, you will get your chance to show your bravery. You do not need to rush into this like a headstrong adolescent.'

'Please, father.' Arthur was begging now, his eyes wide like a puppy. 'Let me do this, for myself if you will not allow me to do it for Camelot.'

Uther looked down at his son, who had lowered himself to his knees before his father, as if to beg for his opportunity. 'Does this quest mean that much to you, Arthur?'

'I know it will be perilous, and I am needlessly putting myself into danger. But, this is my chance, father, to show you I am worthy of Camelot's throne.'

Uther closed his eyes for a moment or so, thoughts racing through his head. But, he knew what he must do. 'I allow you to take up your quest, son. But, I have one condition. And that is you must allow me to give you a map. For where you seek will be a difficult journey, anyway, and an impossible journey without minor assistance.'

'Is that possible, father?'

'You venture on a dangerous quest, Arthur. One of which I would never have chosen, even to test the most valiant of men.' Uther placed his hand on Arthur's shoulder, trying to prevent a proud tear creeping into his eyes. 'But, in your insistence to pursue this deadly challenge, you prove yourself to be the most valiant man I have ever known. And I know you will make me proud, both as your King and as your father.'

* * *

'So, Arthur, what exactly is your quest?' Merlin asked later as he helped Arthur pack his bags in preparation. He noted the thick furs, the heavy lined boots, the silver dagger, all disappearing into the satchel. This must be a frightening thing for Arthur. He might be a clotpole and all, but the look on his face as he packed was one of pure terror. 'Let me guess, Arthur. You're slaying a dragon? No? Battling a Minotaur? Taking the trident from the ancient Fisher King of legend?'

'Don't be ridiculous, Merlin. Those are not quests worthy of the Crown Prince of Camelot!' Arthur scoffed. 'My quest is deadly, perilous, wrought with danger at every turn.'

'Then, what is it?'

'My quest, Merlin, is to patrol the labyrinth that is Camelot's corridors, locate the mysterious 'kitchen' and...' Arthur gulped. 'To prepare toast.'

Merlin frowned. 'Your quest is to make toast? But, Arthur, you don't even know what toast is!'

_**Next up, Morgana's having personal space issues...**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Wow, I'm so happy that people are actually enjoying this :) I love writing it, getting excited for Series 5 stupidity already :)**_

**_So, set end of S4 ep6 and beginning of S4 ep7_  
**

**A Hero and a Hermit  
**

Arthur sat in his throne, face grave a he listened to his council. They were giving him good news, it wasn't them causing his frown, it was the damn throne. Honestly, what idiot would make a wooden throne? Well, his father. So, quite a big idiot really. Arthur mentally added it to his list of things needing to change, behind Merlin's dress sense and the royal haircut, these tousled Knights were just getting too much to handle. Even Agravaine was pulling the tousled look. And, being honest, what woman would ever talk to him?

All of a sudden, Arthur raised a leather covered hand. 'What did you just say, Agravaine?'

He watched Lord Agravaine DuBois stammer slightly, before straightening a little. 'I said, my Lord, that we need no longer fear the threat of the Lady Morgana.'

'Why? Has she been crushed by the weight of her own hair?' Merlin sniggered.

'Or starved to death in her hovel?' Sir Gwaine joked, high-fiving Merlin at the table. Agravaine scowled at them, tempted to jump across the table and high five them both. In the face. With his dagger.

'No, she has left Camelot and given up any desire to take the throne for herself.'

Arthur frowned, attractively of course. He did practise in his mirror. 'But, why? And how do you know?'

Agravaine sighed dramatically. And then again, as no-one seemed to appreciate the drama the first time. 'It is a long tale, Arthur, let me start at the beginning.'

* * *

Agravaine rode gallantly through the forest, throwing back his head to let the wind brush through his thick locks. He was like a Knight in the Old Legends. But younger, and sexier. And he was going to meet his fair Lady, just as in the legends also. Though, she wasn't quite how the legends had told him women were. The first, and last, time he took her flowers, she'd burnt them with a golden flash of her eyes. But, still, she was the first woman not to have tried to beat him up yet. Which, perhaps, considering the amount of women who had done, wasn't something he should be advertising.

Finally, he swung down off his horse (in a macho fashion, of course) and burst into the hovel. And was met with complete chaos. Shelves lay over the floor, jars smashed and creatures lay squirming on the floor. It looked almost as bad as it did when Agravaine hadn't visited in a while, and Morgana, of course, did not know which way round to even hold a broom. Besides, housekeeping was manly, surely?

Back to the situation, Agravaine!  
A rotting stench hit his nostrils, and he realised it came from the dirty cauldron sat over smoking embers. A potion? He lifted the ladle from the mixture tentatively, and was met with a gloopy, brown liquid with lumps of, what looked like, meat floating in it. Hang on, was this lunch? Agravaine heaved. Honestly, you'd have thought Morgause would have, at least, taught Morgana to magic up some food. Nothing fancy, maybe porridge. But no, it was all fire and murder with them two. Speaking of that, where was Morgana? She wasn't in the bed, or being crushed under a shelf. Agravaine checked under the cauldron. Nope, not there either. Which meant...she was gone. He felt himself begin to hyperventilate. What was he supposed to do? What if she'd been eaten by a wolf? Though, with the amount of make-up she wore, wolves were more likely to mistake her for a giant lipstick or something. Maybe she'd been kidnapped, maybe by Arthur. You'd think he'd want her as far away as possible from Camelot, but it was possible. Agravaine stopped, he needed to look for her, standing here thinking wasn't very heroic. She might need the kiss of life...

He darted out of the hovel. Where would she be? Moss and flowers were trampled underfoot as he searched; it seemed like hours before he stopped for a rest. How far had he got? Agravaine looked behind him, ok, he'd walked about a metre. Definitely time for a rest. No. He couldn't rest; he needed to find his Lady, just as the Ancient heroes did. He kept walking, powering through his exhaustion, sweat pouring off his brow.

Wait, what was that? Morgana! He ran forward to the body at the foot of the tree, nearly tripping over branches and treading on a bunny as he did so. But, she wasn't moving. No. Agravaine stopped, feeling his World crashing around his ears. His Camelot takeover. Taking the throne beside Morgana. King Agravaine and Queen Morgana. Their wedding, him looking dashing as always, her in a beautiful dress, preferably not black but it'd have to do. Their children, Agravaine Jnr. and Agravainina. He felt a slight tear slip down his face when, what was this? She was breathing? He had to stop himself giving a little delighted squeal. He was macho, a hero, and in his manly arms, he picked up Morgana and began to carry her home...

For someone so thin, she was surprisingly heavy, must be the hair.

* * *

That stupid Emrys! He stood over her, his face pulled into that ridiculous grimace. Didn't he have golf to play or something? Normal old man activities? Rather than going thwarting all her hard work with his stupid face and ridiculous dress sense. He dressed almost as bad as Merlin did, in fact, they could be related. It would explain a lot. She'd investigate it one day, but right now she seemed to be dreaming. At least, she hoped so, because now Emrys was dancing and she could swear that didn't happen.  
Something stroking her face woke her up. Morgana Pendragon sat bolt upright. Was it a squirrel? A mouse? Two equally terrifying creatures. Maybe something worse? She could not have predicted what she'd open her eyes to find.

'Agravaine?' Morgana snapped, before falling silent at the sight of her moronic ally sat, not only on her bed, but close enough to her to stroke her cheek. In shock, her mouth hung open, giving her a goldfish look.

'My Lady...' He felt himself stammer, unsure exactly what the 'goldfish look' meant. Was it Morgana's way of proposing? It could be, she didn't do things normally, after all.

'What are you doing?'

Ok, the shouty voice generally didn't signify a proposal. Agravaine gulped. 'I'm nursing you better. You were attacked.'

'Yes, I know that. By Emrys and then he started dancing. I mean, what are you doing right now?' Morgana was furious and they usually meant things would start to fly. Like Agravaine.

'I'm stroking your cheek...'

'Why does everyone think they can do that? Whatever happened to respecting an evil Priestess' personal space?' She was really furious now. Agravaine sighed; this meant a huge, lengthy speech. Morgana didn't notice, she was long gone. 'Everyone seems to think I'm a walking cushion or something, to stroke and cuddle. Mordred, Morgause and now you! Do the wicked smirks and scary dresses not give it away that I'm EVIL? Evil people do not engage in personal contact! Well, except Morgause, and she doesn't count because we were related. But Mordred? He was some creepy kid, and his eyes terrified me! No-one can have eyes that big in real life! And you! What on Earth made you think you could wake me up by stroking my cheek?'

'I thought maybe some kind nursing...'

'Hang on.' Morgana stopped him suddenly, as if an idea had just hit her. 'If you were stroking my cheek while I was sleeping, you were watching me sleep too! Everyone does that as well! It's not socially acceptable! I kept telling Morgause, but she never got it, and Mordred just mocked me telepathically. Why don't people realise I just really like my personal bubble?'

'Morgana...'

'No, I give up! No more will I sell my personal space in exchange for allies! No longer will my cheeks pay the price for my quest for Camelot. I'm going to leave this kingdom and go become a hermit in a cave. I'll make friends with spiders who are too small to reach my face and that way, no-one will ever be able to find me and I can retain my own, Morgana space.'

Agravaine watched in shock as she stood up carefully, swaying slightly, and marched straight out of her hovel. He heard a yell as she tripped over a log just outside the door, then the distant pounding of hooves.

'Damn! She's stolen my horse.'

* * *

Arthur sat in shock as Agravaine finished his tale. 'You mean to say, Uncle, that you were the traitor in Camelot?'

The Lord nodded weakly. 'Yes.'

'For that, I should have you executed,' Arthur said, his face stern, before breaking out into a wide smile. 'But, you rid us of our greatest enemy. And you didn't even have to kill her! Just brilliant! From now on, you shall teach all the Knights your creepy ways to scare off girls and, in that, Camelot will be a safer place. Well done! I shall declare a feast, in your honour. You're Camelot's hero, Uncle!'

And, after this, with Agravaine's impressive women scaring tactics, Camelot was well protected by its Knights, and no-one dared risk treason with the threat of Agravaine's notorious 'cheek stroking'.

And Morgana was never heard from again.

_**Next up, we see Gwen and Merlin take an unexpected path...**_


	8. Chapter 8

**_Wow, I might be at 20 reviews soon, how exciting! Thank you all :) I hope you enjoy this chapter just as much_  
**

**_Set during Series 3  
_**

**An Unexpected Journey _or _Why Forks are Dangerously Deceptive**

A bright sun hung in the clear sky, with only a hint of a gentle breeze, birds chirped happily and peasants were even smiling at each other when they fought over the last loaf of mouldy bread in the market. But, despite all of this, there was chaos in the citadel of Camelot. Morgana stormed down the stone corridor towards the chambers of the Crown Prince, her heels clicking against the floor, deafening any poor guards in her wake. With one arm, she threw open the wooden double doors to Arthur's chambers and...

'Oh my Goddess, Arthur, why are you naked?'

Arthur's eyes widened as he turned around from his mirror to see Morgana's horrified face, and he swiftly grabbed a sheet off his bed to cover his modesty.

'Morgana, what are you doing here?'

She stormed into his chambers, peering around every corner. 'I know she's here, Arthur, you can't lie to me. I'm not a fool.'

He shrugged, his face blank, which was his usual expression when listening to anything his father's ward had to say. 'I don't know what you're talking about, Morgana, as per usual.'

'Where are you hiding Gwen? She did not show up to work this morning.' Morgana was still peering around his room, before turning back to see Arthur, just as he chose to turn back to his mirror and throw his sheet over him like a toga. 'Arthur, there are more pressing things right now than looking like a complete idiot, as easy as you find that. Look at my hair!'

It was only then that Arthur noticed the catastrophe. No, the true atrocity of the situation. Morgana's usually sleek, raven coloured locks had gone, to be replaced by a bird's nest mess on her head. He was surprised not to see little bluebirds peeking out. What was she thinking walking round with a bird's nest on her head? It just wasn't royal. Where was her hair...Wait! Was that Morgana's hair? Arthur chuckled, before breaking into a full blown fit of laughter on the floor.

'Stop laughing, Arthur!'

'What has happened to your hair, Morgana? You make Gwaine look well groomed!'

Morgana scowled, a look that did not entirely help in persuading Arthur she had not been replaced by a troll. 'As I said, Gwen did not show up for work this morning. How am I supposed to do my own hair? I have an incredible amount of talents, such as looking flawless, wearing pretty dresses, sneaking out of Camelot...I mean, completely not sneaking out of Camelot to plot evil schemes with Morgause, secretly my half sister, who even suggested that?' Morgana's eyes widened as she looked round over-dramatically. Arthur shrugged, confused, she made even less sense than a usual female thing, not that she noticed, as she was still rambling. 'See, many talents, hair-dressing cannot be one also. What happened to your trousers, anyway?'

'I was just about to come to see you.'

'And that means you have to be naked? I suffer enough nightmares without seeing your butt too, Arthur! It would be just as bad as the time I dreamt Uther was a cat...'

'No, I didn't mean that.' Arthur frowned, about to fold his arms before realising he would have to let go off his sheet. And, going from the furious look on the ward's face, that would not go down well. 'I have lost Merlin, I thought you might have him.'

'Why would I have him?'

'You thought I had Gwen.'

'You like Gwen! I'd rather talk to Gaius about rare herbs for three days straight than talk to Merlin for three seconds! I'd rather wake up to find Cenred in my room, watching me sleep, than find Merlin there!'

'Who's Cenred?' Arthur asked.

'Never mind.' Morgana sighed. Honestly, _this_ was her competition for Camelot's throne? She didn't think Arthur could even fight his way out of a cardboard box, how did he survive everyone of her genius, brilliantly thought out, foolproof plans? Only last week she'd had the brilliant plan of putting a poisonous snake in his bed. How the snake had got into her wardrobe, she'd never know...

'So you don't have Merlin?'

'I'd rather die...'

* * *

The wooden doors suddenly burst open, and two mud coated creatures walked in. What were they? Wolves? Trolls? No, they must be something even more sinister. Morgana turned, backing away slowly from the strange beasts that had entered, and got as close to Arthur as morally possible in his present state of undress. After all, if they were hungry, they'd definitely go for Arthur over her, what with all his 'muscle' and all.

The beasts continued to move closer, low growling noises in their throats. Were they ears sticking up on their heads? They walked on hind legs, Arthur had never seen anything like them before. How did they even get into the castle? Typical guards, they let anything in nowadays! In fact, they probably only let security threats in, just for fun!

Hang on...  
'Merlin, is that you?' Arthur stepped forward, as one of the mud coated creatures approached him slowly. The creature suddenly burst out into a big, beaming grin. That could only be one person. 'Merlin! What are you doing looking like that?'

Merlin wiped the mud away from his eyes and looked goofily at the Prince. 'Nice to see you too, Arthur! I've been on the wild goose chase you sent me on yesterday.'

'I did not send you on a wild goose chase, Merlin.'

'You told me there was an evil goose in Camelot and you wanted me to go investigate!'

'Oh, that wild goose chase...' Arthur shrugged sheepishly. He hadn't meant it, he could easily have killed a goose. Well, if they didn't look so much like ducks, those terrifying ducks! He'd just wanted a bit of time alone, without Merlin's stupid ears and goofy smile. And those ridiculous neckerchiefs! 'Well, did you find him?'

'Never mind that!' Morgana stepped in, trying to avoid Merlin's mud coated figure. 'Who's the other person?'

'I'm sorry, my Lady, but Merlin asked me to accompany him.' It was Gwen's voice and as she wiped the mud off her face, Morgana and Arthur both stepped further back in shock.

'Gwen?!' Arthur exclaimed. 'You're looking awfully...awful.'

'Always the gentleman,' Morgana whispered before turning back to the mud coated girl. In a way, being coated in mud suited her, hid all the ridiculous yellow that she chose to wear. And that stupid face she always made when she saw Arthur, which she was probably doing right now. Suited her a lot better than the throne of Camelot and a stolen crown, anyway. 'What happened, Gwen?'

'It's a long story, I'm afraid.' Gwen and Merlin exchanged nervous looks and, after waiting for Morgana and Arthur to sit down on the bed, argue about who would sit which side, have a minor fight, then get comfy, they began their story.

* * *

'It was a dark and stormy morning...'

'Not really, Merlin, there was a light drizzle but it was mainly sunny.'

'Gwen, it's called 'dramatic effect', now be quiet while I tell the story. Anyway, it was a dark and stormy morning that was, in fact, quite sunny with only a light drizzle, and Arthur had just asked me to hunt after the evil, ten foot tall goose that was haunting the walls of Camelot.'

'You told me we were going flower picking, Merlin.'

'And I only said to go kill a goose. It was not ten foot tall,' Arthur said.

Merlin scowled slightly. 'I know. But I'm trying to build up a bit of tension here. Where was I? Arthur asked me to kill a ten foot goose, and I thought I ought to take some assistance. Initially, I considered a Knight, someone who could actually kill a goose, because I don't have a clue. Then I thought, maybe Gaius. After all, if I was injured, only Gaius would have the skill to help me. But, only Gwen was available so I had to take her. Well, we left Camelot and, as we were approaching the woods, we saw a fork in the road.' Merlin looked across at Arthur, who was frowning intensely. He knew exactly what he was thinking. 'Not a piece of cutlery, Arthur.'

Morgana rolled her eyes, was everyone an idiot except her? All she wanted was to be with intelligent people, like Morgause and Cenred. But not Cenred, really. Instead of being sat on her least favourite side of the bed, listening to these two clotpoles talk about geese. 'Merlin, is this going anywhere?'

Merlin felt himself scowl again, if only he was allowed to do magic... 'Yes, Morgana, I thought as our _friend_, you would be _loyal_ enough to listen to our tale of daring _bravery_ we've _trusted_ to you.'

'Shut up, Merlin.'

'Morgana!' Gwen and Arthur exclaimed, eyebrows raised enough to beat Gaius in an eyebrow raising competition.

'I'm just really intrigued and Merlin's wasting time.' Morgana shrugged, silently thanking the lying master class that Morgause had forced her to attend. Maybe not the pottery class, though, she wasn't quite sure that would be as useful.

'Oh, well, me and Merlin had just approached a fork in the road and were unsure of the path to take. In one direction, miles of dark forest lay, we could hear wolves howling and see ghostly flickers through the dense trees. In the other direction, there lay beautifully green fields, a little baby deer, the sun was shining and an rainbow hung in the clear sky...'

'So you took the woods, right?' Morgana asked.

'Exactly, no-one in Camelot takes the easy, nice looking, 'nothing will kill, eat, attack or maim us' path.' Arthur nodded.

'Erm...well, I'm scared of wolves.' Gwen stammered.

'And I don't like the dark much...' Merlin said and Arthur sighed, while Morgana shook her head, dramatically disappointed. 'Well, what's wrong with not wanting to be kidnapped or terrified or injured or, at the very least, bitten to death by mosquitoes, which live in forests? So, no, we took the nice way and had a gentle stroll. We stopped for a picnic after about an hour, and deer and little birds brought us berries and water. It was all very pretty. Even the sun seemed to be smiling and no-one had even tried to rob us yet. We were expecting an easy journey. Though, that is where it started to go downhill...'

'We began to approach a small house. It was beautiful, covered in flowers,' Gwen said dreamily. 'Lots of beautiful of flowers, just for us to pick. Pink ones and yellow ones and blue ones and red ones and green ones and turquoise ones...'

She slowly drifted off, a faraway look in her eyes, the same one Morgana had when she looked at the throne or Arthur had when he looked at a plate of chicken legs.

'Anyway,' Merlin continued, as everyone still stared, concerned, at Gwen as she daydreamed. 'We approached a little cottage and were going to knock and ask if they had seen the giant twenty foot goose...'

'I thought it was ten foot?' Arthur asked.

'No, definitely twenty foot.' Merlin nodded eagerly. Probably too eagerly, it was starting to look like his head was going to fall off. 'Well, we were getting close to the house when I suddenly remembered a tale Gaius told me about a pretty, little house and two lost children.'

'Ah yes! The one where they get kidnapped by a Witch until they push her into an open fire and roast her.' Arthur smiled. 'Father loves that story. He says it's exactly what the Witch deserved.'

'I bet she wasn't a Witch,' Morgana said moodily. 'I bet she was just a kind old Priestess of the Old Religion who wanted to help out the poor children.'

'By keeping them in cages?'

'Maybe she had no spare beds, Arthur.'

'And threatening to eat them?'

'Uther has threatened that many times, Arthur. Are you calling him a Witch?'

'What about when she actually tried to cook them?'

'Has anyone actually asked the kind old woman's opinion? No, so you can say nothing, Arthur.'

Merlin looked on in confusion as the two continued to bicker. 'I hate to ruin the conversation, but I have no idea what either of you are on about. The story Gaius told me had no Witch in it. Instead, the two children approach the house and the house grows teeth and eats them because it's enchanted, see?'

Sudden silence.

'Are you sure Gaius hadn't had one too many down the tavern before telling you that, Merlin?' Arthur asked, a look of sheer disbelief on his face. He knew Gaius told some crazy stories, such as that one about the 'Questing Beast' or the 'Knights of Medhir', but this one really took the mouldy, stale, peasant biscuit.

'So, you're saying they got eaten by an enchanted house?' Morgana asked, completely astounded. How did she not think of this? It was brilliant, and no-one would ever suspect. 'You don't mind if I just take some notes, do you?'

Everyone shook their heads and she pulled out a small notebook, with silver writing scrawled across the cover. Arthur leant in to read the writing.

''My Genius Ideas for Killing Uther and Arthur in Tragic and Dramatic Ways.'' He read aloud, before shrugging. Must be her diary, the sheer amount of boring events in that would kill anyone.

'Right, well we avoided the house. But then, we took a wrong turn and ended up in the hands of some little pixies. We tried to fight them off but they were just too strong for us.'

'Aren't they only two foot tall? If you couldn't fight them, how could you fight a twenty foot goose?'

'The goose was thirty foot, Arthur. And yes, but there were, at least, three whole pixies. And they are stronger than they look. So, trapped by the pixies, we were forced to dance with them for hours before we could escape as they were sleeping. We ran for about three miles...'

'More like three metres, Merlin,' Gwen interrupted.

'Three miles.' Merlin ignored her. 'Before we came in sight of Camelot. But, suddenly, a troll burst out of the woods and began to chase us. We had to run once more, but fell into treacherous quicksand...'

'Well, it was more like a bog, Merlin.'

'Gwen, remember the 'dramatic effects'. Anyway, we landed in the quicksand.'

'You mean to say you're covered in bogwater?' Morgana asked, visibly disgusted, shifting further away on the bed.

Merlin frowned. 'Luckily, the troll spotted something better, probably your father, Arthur, as he's such a troll magnet, and left us alone. And, after wrestling ourselves from the bog, we slept in a tree trunk.'

'While being pelted with nuts by evil squirrels.'

Morgana did a mini victory dance at this. Who knew those evil squirrels she'd spent hours conjuring would come in so useful?

'And then came straight here in the morning.'

Arthur stood up. 'So, let me get this right. You left here yesterday in search for a thirty foot goose, came across a fork in the road, took an unexpected path, ran away from an 'evil' house, got kidnapped by pixies, was chased by a troll, fell in a bog and got attacked by squirrels.'

'Yes, exactly.'

'What a load of rubbish, Merlin.' Arthur laughed and slapped his manservant hard on the arm.

'Bogwater, Arthur,' Morgana hissed before shrugging. 'Bet you both wish you'd taken the scary woods now, don't you? Instead of your 'interesting' journey, you could have just been eaten by wolves?'

'The image of Merlin dancing around that tree will haunt me forever.' Gwen sighed, looking dramatically at the ground, before looking up curiously. 'By the way, Arthur, why aren't you wearing any trousers?'

_**Next up, Morgana is seraching for a new ally... **_

_**(Expect crossovers. LOTS of crossovers)**_


	9. Chapter 9

**_OK, so set between S3 and S4, Morgana is on the hunt for a new ally due to Morgause's illness. And she meets some unlikely applicants. Thank you for reading so far :)_**

**The Lion, The Witch and the Consulting Criminal**

Morgana scowled as she nailed another poster into a tree. Honestly, she was a High Priestess of the Triple Goddess, sticking posters to things was not really her forte. But, of course, Morgause was far too ill to help. Not too ill to make nine hundred million posters, mind you. Ok, maybe a slight exaggeration, there might have been 10 posters. Morgana looked at the one left in her hand:

Wanted- One Evil Ally

Must be fearsome

Smirking ability preferred

Apply Hovel, Woods, Camelot (Down with Uther Pendragon!)

With a badly drawn picture of Morgana and Morgause (who, for some odd reason, was a lot better drawn and more detailed than the stick Morgana) sat in a hovel. Though what did she expect really, with Morgause drawing them?

The ebony haired woman sighed, leaning back against the tree before remembering the nail she'd just put there. This was all Morgause's doing, all her idea. Every day, she seemed to get weaker. Less of herself. Typical Morgause. She could beat Arthur in armed combat, Cenred in an arm wrestling competition, Morgana at anything (she hated breaking her nails, so always let her sister win) yet she was dying at the hand of an old man and a large eared manservant. And now, she had told Morgana to be on the hunt of a new ally. Hence the posters. And the leaflets. And the giant flag Morgana had magically stuck to the side of Camelot's citadel (though she'd left the address off that one. At least, she thought she had...) So far, the plan was working perfectly.

Though whether anyone would bother showing was an entirely different question...

* * *

She flung her head into her hands in despair. Complete and utter despair. It was half way through the interview day, and she had no-one. People had turned up, shockingly, surprisingly. Well, she said 'people'. That might have been too polite for some of them. Fat, stupid men who hadn't bathed for a year? They made Cenred look like a perfect gentleman. She really needed Morgause's help here, but she was sat in bed, snuggled under thick furs in the hovel while Morgana sat shivering in some rundown castle interviewing freaks. If it wasn't for the throne of Camelot, she'd have given up hours ago. Well, if it wasn't for Camelot, she supposed she wouldn't need an ally at all. Perseverance, Morgana, perseverance. Besides, she was only half way through the process, there could still be hope. Though, looking at them all, she wasn't sure...

'Ok, so name?' She asked, quill in hand as the first applicant sat down, head down as she prepared to write.

'Jim Moriarty. Hi.'

The sing-song voice forced her to look up. Not to mention the ridiculous name. Hmm, well first impressions were good. No visible, freaky disfigurements. Not stupidly overweight. A bit short but manageable.

'Well, name is good. All the best allies have 'Mor-' at the beginning. Your first name is much too short, though. Could we extend it? Or even change it? How does Aethelred sound to you?' The look on the man's face, however, was enough to convince her she needed to change the conversation. 'Fine, job description?'

'Consulting criminal.' Again, Morgana felt herself look up in confusion yet the man was still sat, face deadly serious, looking around the castle chamber in slight disgust. 'Must this take so long? It's all so boooring.'

The Witch scowled, biting back a snide remark. 'Preferred method of death?'

'Ah, here's a good question.' He clicked his fingers and, instantly, a red dot appeared on Morgana's forehead. 'I use sniper rifle. Don't like to get my hands dirty.'

She had been looking up in an attempt to see the dot, causing herself to look ever so slightly deranged, no more than usual however, when she stopped suddenly and frowned. 'Sni-per-rif-le? What's one of those when it's taking over Camelot?'

'A sniper rifle.' Moriarty repeated, as if expecting that would instantly clarify things, because repeating something the other person didn't know, always did that. 'You know, a rifle used by a sniper?'

'I have not got the slightest idea what you are on about.' Morgana shrugged. So is this what it felt like to be Arthur? Confused by everything? Poor guy. See, that was why she wanted the throne, to protect her poor brother's single brain cell, it might get crushed by the crown.

'I shoot people.'

'Ah, bow and arrow.' Morgana smiled before frowning once again. 'Well, that's rubbish. How do you expect to sneak into Camelot, kill all the guards and brutally murder Arthur and Uther while they sleep if all you have is a bow and arrow?'

Time for the Consulting Criminal to scowl now. 'You know what is rubbish? Your dress sense. Honestly, you look like some magic, High Priestess who has failed to take over a Kingdom and is now stuck in some hovel looking after her dying sister.'

'I am.'

He ignored her. 'You should try Westwood.'

'And then do what?'

'What?'

For a Consulting Criminal, this man seemed awfully stupid, Morgana thought. More stupid than Merlin, which was saying something. 'I should go to the West Wood and do what? Wear leaves?'

'No, Westwood.'

'Exactly, go to the West Wood…'

'No, Westwood is a designer.'

'Look, you make no sense,' Morgana said, finally too mentally worn out to bother anymore. It felt like the time she'd tried to play 'Hangman' with Morgause, and her sister had taken it a bit too literally. 'I have no idea what a sni-per-rif-le is, and if it's just a big bow and arrow, that'll be useless anyway. I don't know why you're trying to send me to the West Wood, maybe it's a secret plan to kill me, well I'm not that stupid. And altogether, your name is too short and you're really not very scary at all. So, could you please leave and send in the next applicant.'

* * *

'Erm…I'd love to ally with you, really I would.' Morgana finally felt herself stammer out as she stared at the thing opposite her. 'But, in reality, how useful are you going to be really? I mean, you're a giant eye.'

* * *

'I'm point blank not allying with a lion. I don't care how many scars you've got. How is a lion going to be able to sneak into Camelot and kill Uther for me anyway?'

* * *

The instant the next applicant walked in, Morgana sat up eagerly. Yes, so far so good. Long, black dress, same as her. Dark hair, same as her. Bright green skin…Ok, so it was an original look, at least. Not quite healthy though. Maybe she was part frog, that would be awfully unlucky though. And she thought being related to Uther was bad. Still, Morgana smiled, she had a good feeling about this one.

'Name?'

'The Wicked Witch of the West.' The green woman sat down casually, a broom in her hand. At Morgana's quizzical expression, she continued, 'Where do you keep your flying broomsticks, anyway? I couldn't find a rack for them and, seeing as you're a Witch, you must have some.'

'I am a High Priestess of the Triple Goddess, and no, I cannot fly.'

The Wicked Witch's face fell. 'Oh goodness…I mean, oh wickedness, how unfortunate for you. And I thought being green was bad.'

'Never mind that.' Morgana sighed. 'Motives for an alliance with me?'

The Wicked Witch scowled, looking more toad-like now. 'Revenge. I wish to avenge the murder of my sister, the Wicked Witch of the East.'

Her thoughts flashed briefly back to her own sister, the no-longer very fearsome Morgause, who had stolen her bed and all her furs. At least she was still alive. Maybe Morgana should do something nice for her, draw her a picture or something, let her know she didn't really want her to die. No matter how many times she threatened it. 'I know how that feels, Wicked Witch.'

'Of the West. You have to be specific because my sister was Wicked Witch too, but only of the East.'

'What is it with directions in your family?'

'Just our names.' At that, the Witch pulled a compass out of the pocket and held it out for a few seconds. 'You'd have to be Wicked Witch of the South-East, is that alright for you?'

'I am a High Priestess, not a Witch…'

'And another thing, where do you keep your flying monkeys?'

This instantly stopped Morgana. 'My, my…what?'

'Your flying monkeys,' the Witch said casually. 'Please, tell me you have some of them. They are a Wicked Witch essential, really useful for kidnapping people. Also, it means there's always someone around to open a banana, if you're struggling.'

She couldn't take anymore. Flying monkeys? She didn't even quite know what a monkey was. 'NEXT!'

* * *

'Look, I don't even know what you are. How are you going to help me? What do you even do?'

'EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!'

'So, you're like pest control then?'

* * *

'I am the Dark Lord, you cannot refuse me!'

'You were beaten by a baby! A tiny little baby! And I thought being beaten by an annoying manservant was bad enough.'

'I have an army of Death Eaters.'

'And that's just a bit gross sounding.'

* * *

She sat, completely slumped at her table. Could today get any worse? In all honesty, no, it really couldn't. Even if Arthur burst in now wearing nothing but a hula skirt and arrested her, dragged her to Camelot and executed her through the pain of watching him dance for three hours, the day could not be any worse. She had no ally. How was that even possible? She was attractive, intelligent, had a super evil smirk, yet she had no-one. Maybe that was it though, she was just too good, no-one could live up to her.

Just then, the last applicant of the day walked in (bending down slightly due to ridiculously long helmet horns and a very short doorway) and Morgana looked up. Well, no funny coloured skin, no facial deformities, not stupidly short, completely human looking, he was ticking all the boxes so far.

'Name?'

'Loki, of Asgard.'

'Never heard of it.'

'And I'd never heard of Camelot, but here I am.'

'Reasons for alliance?'

'I wish to take the throne of Asgard from my brother and punish my father for his lies.'

'Hang on.' Morgana stopped. 'You aren't another illegitimate child of Uther, are you? Because, if so, that's my throne. I am technically the eldest and the best looking.'

'No, my father isn't even my father; he was just pretending to be.'

'Good.' Morgana ticked the 'Family Issues' box on her checklist. 'Preferred method of death?'

'Trickery and magic.'

'Well, it certainly beats a sni-per-rif-le,' she muttered. 'Have you ever heard of one of those?' At the shake of his head, she shrugged. 'Well, you've ticked all boxes so far. How will you help me to take over Camelot, then, and brutally murder all my remaining family in their beds?'

'Camelot? I thought you were helping me to take over Asgard?'

'No, why would I want Asgard?'

'We have a portal to reach other Worlds.'

'We have comfy beds.'

'We have a beautiful city in the sky, and are worshipped by men as Gods.'

'Well, we have comfy beds.'

* * *

Morgause was sat, snuggled under mountains of furs, casually setting random objects alight with her magic, as was her usual pastime, when Morgana finally stumbled back into the hovel. She was bent over, exhausted, the hem of her dress splattered with mud from the forest, soaked to the skin from the sudden downpour of rain only seconds ago and, without even asking, she climbed straight into the bed beside Morgause.

'I thought you said that was socially unacceptable, Morgana.'

'It is when you do it,' Morgana murmured while cuddling into her sister. 'I have the had the worst day, ever. Even worse than when you gave me food poisoning for two weeks by trying to cook me toast. Everyone who applied was a freak or, well, just a freak.'

'Then here's some good news. I've got you an ally.'

Morgana sat up suddenly. 'What?'

'While you were out, I sent out some letters and got you an ally.' Morgause shrugged. Honestly, here sister really overreacted to these things. Just because she was injured, did not mean she'd lost all her brain cells too. 'His name's Lord Agravaine DuBois. He's Arthur's Uncle.'

'I've never heard of him.'

'No, me neither. But he's stupid, hates Uther and is in love with you. Everything that a good ally needs to be. In fact, just look at him like a fat Cenred.'

'And you still made me go interview all those idiots? I am going to kill you, Morgause.' Morgana scowled, lying back down in the bed, arms folded dramatically, before she frowned suddenly. 'Oh, and why is half the hovel on fire?'

_**Next up, Arthur has an ingenious idea to catch traitors...**_


	10. Chapter 10

**_I apologise for my absence, I've been awfully busy (doing very little) :) But have this as a sorry present :) _**

**_Set straight after the end of S3._**

**Arthur Einstein (or How Arthur Doesn't Know His Alphabet)**

'My dear citizens of Camelot; friends, allies, beloved peasants...'

'You can't call them peasants, Arthur,' Merlin hissed, after a swift kick to the Prince's shins.

'But, they are peasants. They don't wash and they smell, what would you call them?'

'Remember they're stood right in front of you.'

Arthur sighed as he stood on the royal balcony, looking down on the population of Camelot's town stood in the courtyard. They really were an awful looking bunch. So far, he could count they had 10 teeth, between them all. But still, these were his people, which is why he needed to protect them (after all, without them he wouldn't be Prince at all, and then what would he do with his life? Walking round topless and feasting weren't really talents). Which was precisely why he was stood there, Merlin on his right, Gwen on his left, though they may as well both have both been unicorns the amount of help they were giving him. Lucky they weren't unicorns though, or then he'd have to shoot them.

'I understand that, recently, you have all lived in fear. The recent uprising against your King, King Uther Pendragon, and the placement of usurper, Lady Morgana Pendragon, left many dead and injured, with properties and livelihoods lost to the act of war. These acts were worsened by the antagonist being one whom we all trusted. I, myself, was brought up with Morgana, I trusted her as a friend, and loved her as a sister. It was treason of her worst kind. But, no longer will we risk a traitor within the walls of Camelot. For the greatest minds in the court of Camelot have sat together, and created a new law to prevent any future attack.' Arthur smiled, impressed with how his speech was going so far. Of course, Merlin had written it, but it took a certain amount of good looking charm to pull it off. Now, time for the stroke of genius. He stood a little taller, proud, before announcing, 'Anyone whose name begins with 'Mor-' will be banned from Camelot's walls.'

Silence. Tumbleweed. Two more tumbleweeds because one tumbleweed was not enough to emphasise the incredible silence in Camelot.

'You mean that's it?' Merlin managed to splutter out eventually. 'The greatest minds in Camelot and all they come up with is banning any names beginning with 'Mor'?'

'Well, yes.' Arthur frowned; this wasn't the reaction he'd expected. Was everyone so dense they could not understand the genius plan? 'Think about it: MORdred, creepy Druid boy. MORgause, evil witch who conjures an undead army. MORgana, traitor who nicks the throne. It makes perfect sense.'

'But, that's just ridiculous.'

'How could it even work, Arthur? What if the person had done nothing wrong?'

'Besides, what about Nimueh?' Merlin asked quickly, with Gwen nodding like a puppet dog on the other side of Arthur. 'She poisoned the whole of Camelot, and her name begins with 'Nim', not 'Mor'.'

Arthur stood silent. Typical Merlin, to blow a huge hole in his incredible plan. And it was incredible; it had mainly been his idea. However, his servant did have a point. Nimueh was evil, and scary, yet her name didn't fit the pattern at all. He stood silent for a few moments, deep in thought. Or as deep as Arthur Pendragon's thoughts went, anyway. Then, a sudden brainwave.

'Alright, citizens of Camelot,' Arthur suddenly spoke loudly, addressing the mud coated crowd beneath him. 'As my servants, or advisors as they seem to think they are, have rightly remembered, Camelot has more enemies than those beginning with 'Mor-'. And so, as Crown Prince of Camelot, I have decided to ban all those from Camelot whose names begin with letters in the second half of the alphabet. That is, from the letter 'M' onwards. Which is also what 'magic' begins with, so this plan is bound to work.'

Sudden silence again. But, this time, with every citizen of Camelot thinking their Prince had lost his mind.

'Banning everyone whose name is in the second half of the alphabet?' Merlin couldn't close his mouth out of pure shock. He was starting to attract flies. 'But, that includes me!'

'Sacrifices must be made, Merlin,' Arthur said, face sombre, yet inwardly celebrating. This was his best plan yet, no-one could find fault with this one.

'You do know that 'U' is in the second half of the alphabet, right? As in Uther? You would ban Camelot's own King from Camelot?' Gwen asked, astounded.

'What? No, Gwen, 'U' is in the first half of the alphabet.'

'Definitely the second half, Arthur.' Merlin shrugged, and he watched the Prince scowl. 'Not that any of the citizens will have noticed. No-one outside the citadel knows the alphabet so your plan would fail anyway.'

Yet, Arthur still stormed back into the castle behind him, leaving poor Gwen to make his excuses to the crowd. Though even she was surprised they believed he was fighting a flying troll army. Maybe it was the promise of mouldy bread that did it...

* * *

It was over two weeks before Arthur made another appearance on the balcony. But this time, he was so happy he was ready to sing. For he had finally mastered the problem. He had a solution.

'My loyal subjects.' He smiled. This time, he would not be humiliated. Nothing could fault this plan. 'For two weeks, I have laboured to find a solution to the problem of traitors in Camelot. But, I have finally found one.' Beside him, Arthur had a tall, cloaked object. With a dramatically handsome move, he pulled the cloak away to reveal a wooden chair, with a board above the head. The board was coloured green, orange and red, with a large, blue arrow. 'This, my subjects, is the 'Smirk-ometer.'

'Oh, you are kidding me...' All Merlin could do was stare. In fact, all anyone could do was stare. And stare. And stare.

'I realised that one more thing linked every villain Camelot has ever faced, and this is the ability to smirk. Nimueh, Morgause, maybe even Morgana, though she must have been incredibly sneaky because no-one ever saw her, could all smirk. And so, every citizen of Camelot will have their smirking rated by the 'Smirk-ometer'.

No-one could speak. In fact, a few of the peasants' teeth fell out in complete, horrified shock. Not that Arthur noticed, of course, he was far too pleased with himself.

'And now, both me and my servant, Merlin, shall demonstrate this incredible contraption. Sit down, Merlin and smirk,' The Prince hissed lowly to Merlin and he took a reluctant seat and gave his best smirk. The arrow instantly flicked to the orange mid-section on the board. 'The 'Smirk-ometer' declares Merlin's smirk is admirable, but not evil. I will now test the device.' He sat down, his best smirk on his face. Though the striking resemblance his smirk had to his 'I'm incredibly confused' face was almost impossible to believe. 'OK, Merlin, read out what the dial says.'

The servant coughed slightly, desperately attempting to stop a smile as cheesy as Stilton spreading across his face. 'It says your smirk is far too goofy to ever be taken seriously.'

'What?' Arthur leapt up. 'How was your smirk admirable and mine goofy? You're a clotpole!'

'Never mind, Arthur. It means you aren't a traitor...to yourself...' Gwen frowned and slowly let herself go silent.

'Well, never mind.' Arthur scowled before addressing the crowd once more. 'Every member of the court will be tested now, to ensure no traitor sneaks into Camelot. We will start with my Uncle, Lord Agravaine DuBois. The 'Smirk-ometer' declares he too is too goofy to be taken seriously, and so he enters Camelot with full assurance that he will never betray us...'

_**Next up, Arthur has an interesting wish...**_


	11. Chapter 11

_**Set during S2, Ep8 'The Sins of the Father'. Enjoy!**_

**The Priestess, The Warlock and The Clotpole**

He shouldn't be so worried. This was Arthur; after all, he was bound to have a secret back up plan. Something hidden up his sleeve. But, as Merlin watched him place his head on the block and the blonde Priestess take hold of the axe at her feet, Merlin could not see a way out. Not for Arthur, not for him. What would he tell Uther?

_'Hey, sorry Uther, I let your only son get beheaded by some crazy blonde woman knight who wears too much eye make-up for her own good. I mean, I could have used magic but I was trying not to let Arthur know I have magic, despite using it right in front of him all the time. Oh yeah, I'm a sorcerer, by the way._'

Somehow, Merlin could not see it working. But, wait, what was this? Was she lowering the axe?

'You have shown yourself to be truly a man of your word,' she said calmly, as if she had not just gone psycho with an axe held above his head. 'And for that, I will grant you one wish. What does your heart most desire?'

Merlin frowned, this was a trap, it had to be. A wish? She'd just tried to chop his head off, why would she grant him a wish? Arthur could not be so stupid as to fall for that.

'I want a talking pony.'

Ok, maybe he was...

'A talking pony?' Morgause looked as impressed as Merlin with the workings of the Prince's tiny brain.

'You asked me what I wanted, and there it is.' Arthur was grinning like Gaius when he got a new poncho. Or Uther when he saw a particularly attractive troll. 'I've asked my father for one every year, and he's always said no.'

'Arthur, what on Earth would you do with a talking pony?' Merlin questioned. 'You don't even like talking to me on journeys.'

'That's because you have nothing of interest to say.'

'And a horse would?'

'I'm not granting you a talking horse, Arthur.' Morgause could see her plan crumbling in front of her eyes. Her beautiful, intelligent, well thought out, fool proof plan. It was enough to make an evil villain cry, even if their ridiculous amount of eyeliner would run.

'Ok, a sparkly cat?'

'No.'

'A ham sandwich? I'm really hungry...'

'No.'

'A new Ward? Morgana is really getting on my nerves...'

'Definitely not.'

'More wishes?'

'I'm a witch, not a genie, Arthur! One of us walks round in billowing gowns smirking; the other appears from a lamp. Do you see a lamp?' She threw her hands up, exasperated. She had clearly over-estimated his intelligence. And she hasn't thought much of it to begin with. 'I told you I would grant you your heart's desire. What is one thing you want more than anything else in the entire World?'

Arthur stood silent for a moment or two, thinking deeply. Then he took a deep breath, as if mentally preparing himself for what he was about to say. 'I want Merlin to be my lover.'

Both his companions had been holding their breath, preparing for what he would say. With his request, both their breath escaped them.

'What?!' Merlin spluttered finally, physically unable to speak. He could do nothing but stare. He'd misheard. He must have done. Arthur liked Gwen! And Morgana! And anything else in a skirt! It was an impossible request. Hang on...She wouldn't grant it, would she?

Morgause had lost it, her plan had actually collapsed. Now who was going to ally with Morgana, take over Camelot, kill Uther and live happily ever after with her sister? 'Arthur, I'm not a genie, nor am I a matchmaking service. Just buy him roses, they always work. Doesn't your real heart's desire have something to do with your mother? Maybe speaking to her...?'

The blonde Prince frowned, giving him more than a passing resemblance to his recent step-mother. 'But, my mother's dead. You'd have to have magic to bring her back.'

'And how did you think I was going to get you a talking horse, Arthur?'

* * *

Finally, hours later, the candles were lit (after setting her dress alight twice and Arthur kept blowing them out for fun) and the ceremony could begin. Nothing could go wrong now. All she needed was a bit of magic, and Arthur's mother would be there, telling him all about how Uther sacrificed her for a son and then he'd get so furious, he'd kill the King for her. Everyone wins.

Arthur stood as the Priestess spoke the words to her spell, and a wind blew through the courtyard. Then...

'Mother, is that really you?'

'Oh Arthur, you were just a baby last time I saw you.' The woman before him, who had appeared with the cold breeze, smiled and wrapped her arms around him before stepping back, a sterner look on her face. 'But, Arthur, what are you doing here? Does your father know you are here?'

'Erm...no.' The Prince looked down guiltily at his shoes. 'He forbade me.'

'So you snuck out? Is that really how a Prince should be behaving?' She asked, a frown on her face. 'Don't try answering back, young man. I'm grounding you.'

'But, mummy, you're dead!'

'Just because I'm dead, that doesn't mean I can't discipline you. Uther has been letting you run wild! I want you to march straight back to Camelot, apologise to your father and make it up to him. Don't moan at me. Go!'

And, as Arthur turned around and left the courtyard, hanging his head, while the ghost of his mother vanished from where she'd been stood, arms folded, Morgause felt her perfect, beautiful, Arthur-proof plan collapse around her ears.

_**Next up, the Knights are complaining...**_


End file.
